BRANDON - I chose this lovely Taco Bell for our midday eatery. It has all the style and grace one could expect from a Taco Bell that was trying to be a small bistro eatery in the heart of San Francisco's influential Financial District. The empty walls were a welcome delight after having been visually assaulted numerous times from larger Taco Bell locations habit of displaying shoddy Keith Haring knockoff paintings.
ANTHONY - Yes, Brandon picked taco bell. As we walked into this location, I was welcomed by the warm smell of cooked taco meat.
BRANDON - Well, It SMELLED like taco meat, but you can never be sure.
ANTHONY - True, but it was a warm smell.
BRANDON - Can't argue about that. Like a fart warming you up in bed; only in your nose. Upon looking at the menu for prices, I noticed two things. One, that the menu was quite staggered, much more akin to a "pop-up shop" or a "sun glass hut," offering only a hint at what Taco Bell could possibly hold in store for a salivating patron. And Second, the prices were outrageous. So much inflated in fact, that my wallets natural response was to shrivel up, and try to force its way up my rectum.
ANTHONY - Aye, I agree with Brandon's assessment of the menu price at this establishment. I simply bought the #11 at this location, which was 3 Doritos Locos tacos and a Medium drink for $9.88. Regret almost immediately washed over me. As I took the first bite, thoughts of better, tastier food flooded my mind. Oh, what i could have gotten for $9.88...
BRANDON - Anthony is not wrong in thinking not about his Doritos Locos tacos, surely a disappointing appropriation of the LUXURIOUS Doritos brand, but instead of the myriad other foods that could have satisfied way better than any taco, no matter how loco.
ANTHONY - Other than the expensive food, the place seemed to be kept clean. And the soda fountain worked just fine with the proper mixed ratio of carbonation and syrup. It still didn't make up for the fact that i paid $9.88 for my meal though.
BRANDON - There were very few homeless people inside the taco bell, which for reference was about the size of two ATM vestibules. That aside, the taco receptionist was friendly, and our food was quickly prepared. Now on to the actual food. Anthony, would you mind going into detail about your food experience, which we may or may not refer to as "foodsperience." (editors note: We are definitely referring to it as "foodsperience.")
ANTHONY - Sitting down with my small bag of 3 Doritos Locos tacos, regret slowly started to grow inside of me. I tried to stay positive about my choice here. Looking at my drink I thought to myself, 'Oh at least i got this awesome drink,' but it didn't help much since it was only 1/3 full. As I got a mouth full of Doritos Locos taco, my first bite i thought, 'well its alright.' But.... then it got a little messy with each bite. I looked deep inside my bag for a napkin. But there were no napkins!? For $9.88 you think they could have given me a Napkin or two!?
BRANDON - Indeed, it seems that just like every Taco Bell that I have been a patron of, you must scavenge for your own napkins. Ultimately, how did the taste of your meal stack up to your exacting standards?
ANTHONY - Eh, the salted meat felt like i was eating something that i would have given to my dog. As i write this my stomach twist and turns with a why did you do this to me type feeling, and now I must suffer for my foolishness. Hopefully my butt wont join in on this action. After chomping down the second Doritos Locos taco, the depression of what my lunch could have been kicked in. and I didn't feel like feeding myself any more crap. So i left the third and final taco in the bag. Maybe to pawn off on some poor soul in the office. How was your meal?
BRANDON - For my foodsperience today, I chose the new "Queserito" with shredded chicken and a soft taco. Ultimately, I was pleased with my Queserito. The shredded chicken tasted as if it actually WAS made of chicken, which is not something to be taken lightly in this day and age, and the "nacho" cheese filling of the quesadilla outer covering was a delight! The spicy sauce had a smoky flavor to it, not unlike their "traditional" chipotle sauce, but perhaps a bit more subdued. Think of one of those fancy dogs with too much hair having been shaved down to actually resemble a dog. Satisfying for its own merits, without all that extra crap that screams "I AM A DOG, I SWEAR." You do not need to tell me twice that you are a dog, but without all that hair, it is obvious you are a dog, and expecting to see a dog here, I am satisfied. The sauce satisfied. Nothing more, nothing less. As a new addition to their "mexi-fusion" brand of food-like products, I would rate this as not municipal waste! Now on to my second item, a soft taco. I chose not to order the supreme, as my wallet was already difficult to handle, what with its evasive maneuvers into my butt, and I did not want to scare it further in with the threat of a splat of sour cream adding another dollar plus tax to my bill. It was full of "ground meat" which im sure is a euphamism for something, but what that something is escapes me right now. The texture instantly made me think of wood chip bedding as used for rodent pets, soaked in taco flavored urine. The lettuce was supposedly crisp at the time of assembly, but by the time we had walked back to our eating area about 5 minutes away, everything was soggy. But I suppose that is what is preffered when one orders a soft taco.
ANTHONY - Should have gone crunchy taco. Those didn't soggy up thankfully. But your chicken meal sounds a lot more pleasing then my number #11 for $9.88. I see this lunch time meal as a huge loss.
BRANDON - Yes, perhaps when we are both flush with cash, and in the mood to go slumming, might we decide to choose Taco Bell as our lunchtime plans.
ANTHONY - Even if our wallets were flush with cash, I cant say i'd recommend this place. Just save your wallet and stomach from the pain this food causes and try other ventures.
BRANDON - Yeah, pretty much.
